"Life is short. Life has its moments. Happy, sad, hopeful, despair, triumphs and lost all mixed together, without us knowing which sequence is next."
Above are some pics of Andreas & Mirari on their wedding day. It’s a wake up call for us to cherish our loved ones, shower them with love every single day, till death do us part. Coz we’ll never know when our time is up.
Please click 'more' and read "All about Andy" by Mirari,take your time to read this note and remember to love.
For those who haven’t known me,
My name is Mirari, Andreas wife for 22 months and three days, his best friend for 8 years. I met him, 8 years ago at church on a coffee table. Andreas is a friendly person, who like to embrace new incomer, and I was lucky enough to be greeted by him, and how he then invited me to meet some more people and introduce me to his bible study friends. Then the friendships grows into love… It was just beautiful at His time.
On Friday morning at 11.24, Andreas had his first heart attack, he wrote to me a message on my cellular:
“I’m at the office babe, want to get my purse that I forgot in car, but as I walked back from car to the office, I had a hyperventilation attack, I was sweating, but 10 minutes later was normal. My tummy is gassy mm.. I had to lie down on the floor and calm down, deep breaths, nobody in office knows, coz I’m still having the hyperventilation attack if I’m too vigorous, chest pain.”
But since the signal is bad at the hospital part where I work, I didn’t get it, until around two when I stepped out the building. I was so shock when I heard the news, I tell you, I regret big time, that I think I should ran to him straight away and bring him to doctor. I offered to take him that afternoon to the doctor that he didn’t refuse.
But another shocking news is, actually, I just found out yesterday from church friends that Andreas went to office church that very moment, to say hi to church friends, do some library work (my husband is the head of church librarian), fixing some church computer, and have lunch with the staff. He ordered gado2 his favorite dish. Strangely he didn’t tell me about it, we both tell each other what we are doing as day goes by.
I did wonder why, maybe he knows me so well, that if he told me, knowing he had this attack, I would have stopped him to go church. But going to church to do what he had to do, is what he intended to in his last time.
To that I did not regret that he didn’t tell me. No, instead I’m proud of him, that he set a good example to all of us, that he has fight his battle to the end, he win the race, he ignore his physical pain, just to serve his Father.
Andreas has been serving in many ministry, he helped to manage the church library, prepare for printing of church hands out, he was in music ministry, puppet ministry, Sunday school teacher, helped me in orphanage ministry and best of all, his husband ministry to me.
Around 4pm Friday, I was on my way to pick him up, and arrived at a hospital. He seemed okay, just looked tired, we chat as normal, and he even was busy playing sally’s spa a game on my ipod as we were waiting to see the doctor. He asked me how was my day going, just normal conversation. No hints of pain, his eyes are just cheerful as before.
After that, time ran so fast, it went from bad to worse. I would like to skip the part, as that’s the most painful fact, doctor said, there is a heart injury, not yet, infarct, but need a special care. Andy was found it disbelieve, he looked at me and asked, why are you so sad? is it that bad? It can’t be right? Shortly we were ready to take him to different hospital with better expert for his treatment. We stopped by at home on the way to pack up his clothes.
I told him that he need to rest and just sit down on the table, I begged him, but I remember he was pushing me, hushing me upstairs to our room and said, “look at me, I’m fine..just walk..go, go” while pushing me with his arm to go up.
That was THE BIG regret in my life that I should have pinned him down, and tied him to the chair downstairs. He insisted to company me and there upstairs he collapsed. He went into fit, I screamed like hell, and called my mum in law. It happened so fast, that I don’t even think I’m ready to share that horror night to you right now. It was just too fast. I saw him stopped breathing, no pulses, eyes closed.
Being a doctor, doing a CPR to your own loved one is just something you don’t want to do, nor remember, it’s just horrible. I can taste blood mixed with froth on his lips, I banged at his chest, I didn’t think I did a good CPR, it was just mixed between screaming and crying desperately want to bring him back. I told him, focus hunny, just don’t leave me yet..please..i beg you.. God, I beg you give him chance. And he opened his eyes. That night was a night of miracle. He was so calm, and just back to normal Andy except that he had oxygen tube on his nose. Cardiologist said that his situation is under control, he is young so he can fight. He basically has his second chance of life, as normally those who had this attack won’t pass that horrible night. Now it make sense to me, that God grants me that time, for him to be ‘stable’ again, so that I can showed my love to him and had a good memory of him.
According to his ECG results, which were just separated between 2 hours, doctor said it was so much different between the two. It shows the heart condition went from bad to worse. It’s like when you have a sprain ankle. It’s just an injury, but when you forced to run 50metres with that ankle, you may break your ankle and even leg.
Questions and regret fill me, had he not go to the 2nd floor with me, he would still be with me now. But why? Why didn’t I rebels his order to trust him that he was okay and want to company me. Why?
I blame myself a lot…a lot and a lot..
But, yesterday as I walked back to the empty room, our room that we designed together, I walked the same steps we walked, I can feel him pushing me to go up, I remember him holding my hand. At that night, I thought of him as stubborn, but now, I just realize that he want to live up his memory with me, in our room, in our library on the 2nd floor… he didn’t want me to feel lonely but remember him as a loving and unselfish, supporting husband. Most of all he wants me to remember him as a strong husband. And He is for me, he is my hero, my soul mate, my lover, my everything.
On Saturday morning before he entered the angiography room, I read him psalm 91, he listened carefully, and he smiled at me, telling me, he loves me, and sorry that he is sick and not strong for me. He asked me if I still love him despite his condition. I told him, of course I still do..of course, and you’ll get better I told him. I kissed him..on his head,… told him I love him and to that he smiled and I took his photo, turned to be his last picture with smile. I let him go to angiography room. There he had another cardiac arrest, the blockage was in his crucial heart artery, it’s worse than the cardiologist had expected. When I heard they were giving him dopamine, giving him this and that medicine, I knew he’s not well..i ran outside and I screamed, I cried in disbelief…
The doctor had to put him to sleep, so that his lung and tense heart muscle can rest. Then they decide to call the heart surgeon for emergency heart surgery. But the team then decided to let the heart rest for some more hours before they do the operation. They told me, after that turmoil, his condition was under control.
But he never made it into the operation theatre, Jesus called him that very afternoon on Saturday 23rd of May at 3.30. The good thing is, he never has to go through the pain of surgery knife, and the doctor to cut open his chest.
I never left the hospital for as long as he was there…but just when the doctor said he was stable, and I thought he was under control, I decided to go out to refresh my face, change clothes, so that I want him to see me fresh up.
He told me the night before, why you looked so tired hunny? Why you looked so sad? So I promised not to. The voice was so strong, telling me above my hesitant that I should leave hospital for a bit, just to be refreshed and be back strong and clean for him.
but just when I left.. he slipped away from me, he didn’t even want me to see his departure. My dad called my mum who accompanied me, and asked me to go back to hospital.
Just maybe not even 1 km I left the hospital..i went back, I ran back to the ICU and I found no more heart beeping sign in the machine, Blood pulse 0….straigth line.. and another life resuscitation was taken this time with all doctors and team involved… Medically, I understand the situation, I screamed, I was angry, frustrated, I was mad at him for not fighting for me…I told the team not to stop pumping…the room was filled with people singing and praising God. I just got angrier, that’s not how it should be,. we should do more medical intervention..noo..no.. I got very upset. I got very mad because Andreas dedication song for me in our wedding is: I want to grow old with you (Adam Sandler). I was mad..extremely.. mad to God, mad to doctors…mad to myself…mad to the stupid respiratory machine… Suddenly I felt so weak…I couldn’t hold it..my world is broken down into pieces.
I lost my mind, i could only remember my parents hold me tight. Hugging me, pulling me from the bed when I climbed the bed.
One by one people told me to let him go…let him go.. So..there he has gone..forever. Yet, I didn’t let the nurse to take out the tube of breathing support from him, I still want to remember his chest moving up and down, as I slept next to his stiff body, his head and his body was still warm, but his eyes are empty..i grieved.. I cried..I kissed him over and over…as much as I could before I know his body will go cold… And I just want to be there..just there…on his right side, as we are lying on bed at night, how I stared at him when he sleep. He was just sleeping I thought..
You know, Andreas told me, he will take me to Vancouver this July for our 2nd year wedding anniversary… We had our honeymoon in Banff Canada, so it would be great memory, to that I haven’t even had time to said yes.. but..now, if he asked me would I go to where he is now..i would.
Now, this is how I remember Andy,
At home, he is a loving, unselfish husband, he has been the most important person in my life, he’s supporting to my career, he has been the best friend I’ve ever had. Words can’t express my feeling right now when I want to name all the best characters in him. You know, we are the great traveling buddies. Together, we have traveled to many places, Rome, Italy, many parts of germany netherland, Austria, Netherland, France, Belgium, Canada, States, Vietnam, Greece, Bali, Menado… and many more… we read lonely planet together, we have collections of the books. Only this one very trip he has to go first…to heaven and left me behind, but I’ll catch up. To that I ponder…, I realize, that Jesus has given ticket to him to heaven, just him without me. I can’t buy that ticket, it’s given,.. Yes, nothing I can do to win that ticket except to accept his salvation and live at best.
I want Jesus to find me and give me that precious ticket to sit next to him again.
When Jesus? How Jesus? Tell me, I’ll pack up and go next to my husband companying him in his journey to that beautiful place.
Being a doctor, I have seen many death, many life saving effort, as the matter of fact, that’s what we trained as, to save life… but this time I can’t save him, and I don’t need too, Andy is in his eternal life with his father, I have to let him go.
Trust me, I can only write here, but I don’t know how I will find strength to put myself together, reality is suck!
The pain of separation is unbearable, but slowly, a baby step at a time, I want to live my life at best, want to introspect my self, want to be a better person, want to follow Andy’s steps, and read the most complete version of lonely planet : “the Holly bible”, whatever..i can do, so the HE found me, and grant me this ticket to sit next to him.
These past 2 nights without him, I slept at the same bed side as he always sleep, I hug his sleeping pijama, where I can still smell him, I used his toothbrush, his watch and glasses still on the table, his work, his bible, his book, his gadget, his bb, his playstation, everything he left…as if he’s gone just for a short period, a jogging perhaps, and will come back soon. I am expecting his call, am expecting his kisses at night, his hugs, and smile.
But I know, days will go pass, and dust will cover his belongings… but he will never text me, email me, hugs me, kiss me anymore.
Now, that will always be only kept in my heart… We made our vow to each other. We memorized our part, and in front of the altar we promised to take care of each other, we are one flesh! He’s in me, I am in him. We are soul mate. Till death do us part. (Aaaahhhhh..it’s not just a line. Damn it… It’s real!!!! It’s real…it’s real). This is it??
So now when my other half is gone, please do understand that I need to go through this grieve period. I know some of you want me to smile, want me to be happy, I will..i will, but I need to grieve just for sometime, as I just lost a part of me. Otherwise I never can never face my life, I will be empty and just lost hope. I need to gather my strength, and understand my situation now, and ask God, what He wants me to do now.
You never can’t imagine the pain of separation I have now. You don’t want to stand here in my position waving so long to your loved one, to see his cold body, his ignorance to my call, his stiff hands doesn’t hold mine, and soon when they close the cascade, I do not know when to see him again. TRUST ME, YOU DON’T!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks 2 Axioo
"Thank you 2 Mirari, for sharing this beautiful story.
May God comforts you and your loved ones. My deepest condolences."
My name is Mirari, Andreas wife for 22 months and three days, his best friend for 8 years. I met him, 8 years ago at church on a coffee table. Andreas is a friendly person, who like to embrace new incomer, and I was lucky enough to be greeted by him, and how he then invited me to meet some more people and introduce me to his bible study friends. Then the friendships grows into love… It was just beautiful at His time.
On Friday morning at 11.24, Andreas had his first heart attack, he wrote to me a message on my cellular:
“I’m at the office babe, want to get my purse that I forgot in car, but as I walked back from car to the office, I had a hyperventilation attack, I was sweating, but 10 minutes later was normal. My tummy is gassy mm.. I had to lie down on the floor and calm down, deep breaths, nobody in office knows, coz I’m still having the hyperventilation attack if I’m too vigorous, chest pain.”
But since the signal is bad at the hospital part where I work, I didn’t get it, until around two when I stepped out the building. I was so shock when I heard the news, I tell you, I regret big time, that I think I should ran to him straight away and bring him to doctor. I offered to take him that afternoon to the doctor that he didn’t refuse.
But another shocking news is, actually, I just found out yesterday from church friends that Andreas went to office church that very moment, to say hi to church friends, do some library work (my husband is the head of church librarian), fixing some church computer, and have lunch with the staff. He ordered gado2 his favorite dish. Strangely he didn’t tell me about it, we both tell each other what we are doing as day goes by.
I did wonder why, maybe he knows me so well, that if he told me, knowing he had this attack, I would have stopped him to go church. But going to church to do what he had to do, is what he intended to in his last time.
To that I did not regret that he didn’t tell me. No, instead I’m proud of him, that he set a good example to all of us, that he has fight his battle to the end, he win the race, he ignore his physical pain, just to serve his Father.
Andreas has been serving in many ministry, he helped to manage the church library, prepare for printing of church hands out, he was in music ministry, puppet ministry, Sunday school teacher, helped me in orphanage ministry and best of all, his husband ministry to me.
Around 4pm Friday, I was on my way to pick him up, and arrived at a hospital. He seemed okay, just looked tired, we chat as normal, and he even was busy playing sally’s spa a game on my ipod as we were waiting to see the doctor. He asked me how was my day going, just normal conversation. No hints of pain, his eyes are just cheerful as before.
After that, time ran so fast, it went from bad to worse. I would like to skip the part, as that’s the most painful fact, doctor said, there is a heart injury, not yet, infarct, but need a special care. Andy was found it disbelieve, he looked at me and asked, why are you so sad? is it that bad? It can’t be right? Shortly we were ready to take him to different hospital with better expert for his treatment. We stopped by at home on the way to pack up his clothes.
I told him that he need to rest and just sit down on the table, I begged him, but I remember he was pushing me, hushing me upstairs to our room and said, “look at me, I’m fine..just walk..go, go” while pushing me with his arm to go up.
That was THE BIG regret in my life that I should have pinned him down, and tied him to the chair downstairs. He insisted to company me and there upstairs he collapsed. He went into fit, I screamed like hell, and called my mum in law. It happened so fast, that I don’t even think I’m ready to share that horror night to you right now. It was just too fast. I saw him stopped breathing, no pulses, eyes closed.
Being a doctor, doing a CPR to your own loved one is just something you don’t want to do, nor remember, it’s just horrible. I can taste blood mixed with froth on his lips, I banged at his chest, I didn’t think I did a good CPR, it was just mixed between screaming and crying desperately want to bring him back. I told him, focus hunny, just don’t leave me yet..please..i beg you.. God, I beg you give him chance. And he opened his eyes. That night was a night of miracle. He was so calm, and just back to normal Andy except that he had oxygen tube on his nose. Cardiologist said that his situation is under control, he is young so he can fight. He basically has his second chance of life, as normally those who had this attack won’t pass that horrible night. Now it make sense to me, that God grants me that time, for him to be ‘stable’ again, so that I can showed my love to him and had a good memory of him.
According to his ECG results, which were just separated between 2 hours, doctor said it was so much different between the two. It shows the heart condition went from bad to worse. It’s like when you have a sprain ankle. It’s just an injury, but when you forced to run 50metres with that ankle, you may break your ankle and even leg.
Questions and regret fill me, had he not go to the 2nd floor with me, he would still be with me now. But why? Why didn’t I rebels his order to trust him that he was okay and want to company me. Why?
I blame myself a lot…a lot and a lot..
But, yesterday as I walked back to the empty room, our room that we designed together, I walked the same steps we walked, I can feel him pushing me to go up, I remember him holding my hand. At that night, I thought of him as stubborn, but now, I just realize that he want to live up his memory with me, in our room, in our library on the 2nd floor… he didn’t want me to feel lonely but remember him as a loving and unselfish, supporting husband. Most of all he wants me to remember him as a strong husband. And He is for me, he is my hero, my soul mate, my lover, my everything.
On Saturday morning before he entered the angiography room, I read him psalm 91, he listened carefully, and he smiled at me, telling me, he loves me, and sorry that he is sick and not strong for me. He asked me if I still love him despite his condition. I told him, of course I still do..of course, and you’ll get better I told him. I kissed him..on his head,… told him I love him and to that he smiled and I took his photo, turned to be his last picture with smile. I let him go to angiography room. There he had another cardiac arrest, the blockage was in his crucial heart artery, it’s worse than the cardiologist had expected. When I heard they were giving him dopamine, giving him this and that medicine, I knew he’s not well..i ran outside and I screamed, I cried in disbelief…
The doctor had to put him to sleep, so that his lung and tense heart muscle can rest. Then they decide to call the heart surgeon for emergency heart surgery. But the team then decided to let the heart rest for some more hours before they do the operation. They told me, after that turmoil, his condition was under control.
But he never made it into the operation theatre, Jesus called him that very afternoon on Saturday 23rd of May at 3.30. The good thing is, he never has to go through the pain of surgery knife, and the doctor to cut open his chest.
I never left the hospital for as long as he was there…but just when the doctor said he was stable, and I thought he was under control, I decided to go out to refresh my face, change clothes, so that I want him to see me fresh up.
He told me the night before, why you looked so tired hunny? Why you looked so sad? So I promised not to. The voice was so strong, telling me above my hesitant that I should leave hospital for a bit, just to be refreshed and be back strong and clean for him.
but just when I left.. he slipped away from me, he didn’t even want me to see his departure. My dad called my mum who accompanied me, and asked me to go back to hospital.
Just maybe not even 1 km I left the hospital..i went back, I ran back to the ICU and I found no more heart beeping sign in the machine, Blood pulse 0….straigth line.. and another life resuscitation was taken this time with all doctors and team involved… Medically, I understand the situation, I screamed, I was angry, frustrated, I was mad at him for not fighting for me…I told the team not to stop pumping…the room was filled with people singing and praising God. I just got angrier, that’s not how it should be,. we should do more medical intervention..noo..no.. I got very upset. I got very mad because Andreas dedication song for me in our wedding is: I want to grow old with you (Adam Sandler). I was mad..extremely.. mad to God, mad to doctors…mad to myself…mad to the stupid respiratory machine… Suddenly I felt so weak…I couldn’t hold it..my world is broken down into pieces.
I lost my mind, i could only remember my parents hold me tight. Hugging me, pulling me from the bed when I climbed the bed.
One by one people told me to let him go…let him go.. So..there he has gone..forever. Yet, I didn’t let the nurse to take out the tube of breathing support from him, I still want to remember his chest moving up and down, as I slept next to his stiff body, his head and his body was still warm, but his eyes are empty..i grieved.. I cried..I kissed him over and over…as much as I could before I know his body will go cold… And I just want to be there..just there…on his right side, as we are lying on bed at night, how I stared at him when he sleep. He was just sleeping I thought..
You know, Andreas told me, he will take me to Vancouver this July for our 2nd year wedding anniversary… We had our honeymoon in Banff Canada, so it would be great memory, to that I haven’t even had time to said yes.. but..now, if he asked me would I go to where he is now..i would.
Now, this is how I remember Andy,
At home, he is a loving, unselfish husband, he has been the most important person in my life, he’s supporting to my career, he has been the best friend I’ve ever had. Words can’t express my feeling right now when I want to name all the best characters in him. You know, we are the great traveling buddies. Together, we have traveled to many places, Rome, Italy, many parts of germany netherland, Austria, Netherland, France, Belgium, Canada, States, Vietnam, Greece, Bali, Menado… and many more… we read lonely planet together, we have collections of the books. Only this one very trip he has to go first…to heaven and left me behind, but I’ll catch up. To that I ponder…, I realize, that Jesus has given ticket to him to heaven, just him without me. I can’t buy that ticket, it’s given,.. Yes, nothing I can do to win that ticket except to accept his salvation and live at best.
I want Jesus to find me and give me that precious ticket to sit next to him again.
When Jesus? How Jesus? Tell me, I’ll pack up and go next to my husband companying him in his journey to that beautiful place.
Being a doctor, I have seen many death, many life saving effort, as the matter of fact, that’s what we trained as, to save life… but this time I can’t save him, and I don’t need too, Andy is in his eternal life with his father, I have to let him go.
Trust me, I can only write here, but I don’t know how I will find strength to put myself together, reality is suck!
The pain of separation is unbearable, but slowly, a baby step at a time, I want to live my life at best, want to introspect my self, want to be a better person, want to follow Andy’s steps, and read the most complete version of lonely planet : “the Holly bible”, whatever..i can do, so the HE found me, and grant me this ticket to sit next to him.
These past 2 nights without him, I slept at the same bed side as he always sleep, I hug his sleeping pijama, where I can still smell him, I used his toothbrush, his watch and glasses still on the table, his work, his bible, his book, his gadget, his bb, his playstation, everything he left…as if he’s gone just for a short period, a jogging perhaps, and will come back soon. I am expecting his call, am expecting his kisses at night, his hugs, and smile.
But I know, days will go pass, and dust will cover his belongings… but he will never text me, email me, hugs me, kiss me anymore.
Now, that will always be only kept in my heart… We made our vow to each other. We memorized our part, and in front of the altar we promised to take care of each other, we are one flesh! He’s in me, I am in him. We are soul mate. Till death do us part. (Aaaahhhhh..it’s not just a line. Damn it… It’s real!!!! It’s real…it’s real). This is it??
So now when my other half is gone, please do understand that I need to go through this grieve period. I know some of you want me to smile, want me to be happy, I will..i will, but I need to grieve just for sometime, as I just lost a part of me. Otherwise I never can never face my life, I will be empty and just lost hope. I need to gather my strength, and understand my situation now, and ask God, what He wants me to do now.
You never can’t imagine the pain of separation I have now. You don’t want to stand here in my position waving so long to your loved one, to see his cold body, his ignorance to my call, his stiff hands doesn’t hold mine, and soon when they close the cascade, I do not know when to see him again. TRUST ME, YOU DON’T!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks 2 Axioo
"Thank you 2 Mirari, for sharing this beautiful story.
May God comforts you and your loved ones. My deepest condolences."
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